Saturday nights were made for staying in and there’s no better time than to kick back in your PJs and watch a movie. Although I’ve seen some brilliant films this year (It Follows, Starry Eyes and The Guest come to mind), this last month, particularly for some reason, I’ve seen quite a few stinkers. I thought I’d make a list because there’s actually nothing more enjoyable than panning shit films.
The Vatican Tapes
I was expecting some nonsense film about secret recordings hidden deep within the Vatican’s archives but alas no… I can barely remember what this was about but in a nutshell a girl gets possessed and we’re told quite near the end that three eggs mean something important (yes… eggs).
This was a complete waste of time. It didn’t even have that ‘it’s so bad it’s good’ factor about it. My problem with the found footage genre is that it’s quite unbelievable that you’d keep rolling if you were in unbelievable circumstances; if you were being chased by aliens you’d be pissing your pants, crying in a dark corner. Expect minimal alien sightings and a lack of empathy towards any of the folk in the film. In the bin with you.
A remake of a classic. Sam Rockwell stars and the 2015 version sees some sort of drone that they fly into the netherworld to save the little girl. Utter nonsense. The scariest thing about the film is the fact that Rockwell took the pay cheque. You’re better than that dude… I’m disappointed.
A woman and her children are being terrorised by a strange presence in their house. The script feels like it was written as joke, the hammy delivery is even worse but there’s a twist in the middle that makes it worth watching all the way through. I laughed a lot, so that’s something and by the end you almost feel sorry for the whole thing, like some sort of legless puppy.
Months before its release or before I’d even seen a trailer, I read a press release about the film. They were flipping the traditional Terminator timeline on its head with Sarah Connor being raised and protected by Arnie’s Terminator whom she called ‘Pops’. WTF. Somewhat of a ‘mini deal’ was made out of Dr. Who’s Matt Smith being in the film; spoiler alert – he’s barely in it. And the trailers on the run up to the film revealed that John Connor had become some kind of human machine hybrid. Who sent ‘Pops’ back to protect Sarah Connor? If Connor and Kyle Reese are now stuck in 2017 then John Connor was never born back in the 80s right and so that makes everything a bit obsolete including their current timeline? But then there’s something else about alternate timelines. Argh! Let’s just remember the first two films and pretend everything after never happened.